I remember a few years ago when the news was scaring... I'm sorry, informing the public about the dangers of SARS. And Bird Flu. And then last year, Swine Flu. I realize that people did get sick (and die) but they reported that death and destruction was imminent unless you got yourself vaccinated and wore these fancy little masks and started Lysoling everything and stopped going out in public because oh my God, every door handle ever is crawling with flu germs, watch out, they're going to get you, OH NO IT'S TOO LATE, YOU'RE INFECTED!
Good thing too! I myself never got a flu shot in lieu of the dreaded Swine Flu Pandemic. I hate shots and going to the doctor. I have better stuff to do, like sleep, make pancakes, and walk around in circles for a few hours. Sure, sure, it was beaten into me by nearly everyone that I needed to get the flu shot OR I WOULD DIE. I guess I like to live on the edge or maybe my parents raised me to be a heathen, so for umpteenth year in a row, I didn't get a flu shot. And it turned out to be a better-than-usual cold and flu season for me! Why, I didn't get a single cold, let alone the flu, throughout the whole Swine Flu Pandemic! I imagine it was because everyone was freaked out that if they didn't bathe themselves in rubbing alcohol after they touched anything, they'd be dead in 3 hours, so they were abnormally sterile. Plus I saw fewer people licking doorknobs.
Anyway, after the media duped us, I decided to devote my time to researching, studying, and predicting Scary Things. And you won't even believe what is about to happen.
Maybe you've heard of it: next week we're going to get a visit by Old Mister Supermoon. Maybe you laughed about it because you realized that an astrologer is just a glorified Miss Cleo, or maybe you pondered whether the moon has it in for the Japanese. I, for one, urge you to get serious, take the time to buckle down and Be Prepared. Okay, okay, I know they dropped the ball on SARS or Swine Flu. But the moon! Look at how menacing it is! I mean, it changes size like, every day and sometimes, it disappears entirely! It definitely means business.
And it WILL destroy you.
I've been conducting some research in my free time (and all of my time is free so I definitely am a credible source of information, how could I not be?) and look, things are going to get real bad next week. And in the upcoming months. Japan was just the appetizer. The moon is only getting closer. I know you might say that the moon yesterday was farther away than it is on average, or that the earthquake occurred when the sun and moon were askew and thus when the tidal forces are actually relatively weak. Maybe you say "But Bekki, earthquakes are common in Japan, that's why the have strict building codes?"
But my evidence shows that the moon was hovering dangerously close to Earth in 2005 when THE SAME EXACT THING happened in Sumatra! How can that be a coincidence? Not convinced? Remember Katrina? Katrina was that hurricane that devastated New Orleans, a city built in the middle of a swamp, barely above sea level, on the Gulf of Mexico, a region of the U.S. known for hurricanes. But I ask you, what was the moon doing so close to Earth in 2005? What's it planning to do next week when it gets close again?
And it was here in 1992, did you know that? There was a flood in Chicago that year, and a huge earthquake in California and even some tornadoes in Kansas! Can you believe the nerve of the moon? Flooding Chicago in April (rainy season), hitting California with an earthquake (earthquakes never happen in California!) and slamming Kansas with tornadoes! (who could have seen that coming?)
And we all know that natural disasters never occur when the moon is just a regular-style moon, laying dorment in space. Haiti who?
As an world renowned expert in the field of Supermoons, I feel the need to give you a heads up. The supermoon can strike anyone, anywhere. If you live in low-lying areas, and it's the wet season (spring), it WILL attempt to drown you in flood waters. If you live in the midwest, be careful! There's a 100% chance there will be tornadoes chasing you down! And if you live in the coastal regions, be prepared for summer hurricanes. The moon WILL try to maybe, probably send a category 4 or 5 monster to tear apart your house, flatten your garden and steal you daughter's lunch money. At the very least, a weak tropical storm will rip a few leaves off your prized rosebush. BECAUSE OF THE MOON.
And if you don't live in one of these places and think "Gee, nothing bad happens where I live, everything is perfect and wonderful and there's butterflies and rainbows all day long," THINK AGAIN. The moon WILL find you and set you on fire. The moon can do that. I know, I'm a scientist.
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